The last three years have been a complete roller coaster and I'll be honest over the last six months in particular I feel out of love with myself as a mother.
I don't want to dwell to much on the why or the how- but let's just say two kids under three and a busy pub business has been an epic juggling act. Somewhere along the lines I forgot the parent I wanted to be.
I think it's easier when you are in one camp or the other (at home or at work) when you have a foot in each it becomes dizzying. I always feel like I'm letting my work or my kids down.
So how did it change? With a holiday.
Last month we took a trip that we have been planning BC (before children) to BC (British Columbia).
My old boss and best friend emigrated four years ago with her partner and daughter, their son was born a year later.
It was so cool to finally see them again, for our kids to meet (off Skype) and to see how they were living now.
When I worked with her, it was for a fashion brand in London. Life was success and pr orienrated - work was the focus.
In Canada these guys still love work, and give it their all to running their own business, but their is a massive difference in the culture of parenting.
Here kids are the focus, there are parks everywhere and outdoor activities. It's normal for the parents to do the majority of the childcare. Parents sit outside their homes chatting with a beer whilst the kids ride bikes up and down the block.
There was less focus on stuff and tv for kids- although this totally still exists. But parents seen more focused on building relationships and hobbies with their offspring than spending money on the gap left by work.
It made us realise that actually spending money on doing days out and treating the kids hadn't made us happier.
Being outdoors and hanging with them, taking them on a bike ride to the store to buy a meal for the evening had been more enjoyable than many days out we'd had recently in the UK.
Canada ranks second in the world now for life satisfaction (ranking with Finland and Denmark) and I'm pretty sure I know why.
Now we are home again we are using our fortnight as Canadian parents as a working model for our lives going forward - I'm looking forward to dusting off the blog to share it with you.
I'd love for you to join the journey so please say hello in the comments box!